Born on a Rotten Day -- Aquarius

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AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18

Mama was a Spy; Daddy Was a Psychopath

Famous Aquarians at AoI: Middlesex (24 January)

Element: Air. Aquarius Air is electrically charged and unpredictable. You know the storm is coming; you just aren't sure when or with what force.

Quality: Fixed. Aquarius is the human version of the tornado that carried Dorothy to Oz.

Symbol: The Water Bearer. Deluge. Flood. Pour-forth.

Ruler: Uranus, the god of abrupt change, and Saturn, the god of repression and status quo.

Favorite Pastime: Getting in someone's face.

Favorite Book: Channeling Dead House Pets for Fun and Profit

Role Model: Goldfinger

Dream Job: Head borg

Key Phrase: "Resistance is futile."

Body Part: Ankles, permanently twisted from spinning on their heels and marching out of the room.

Approach With Caution

Aquarius, the eleventh sign of the zodiac, lives in the House of Friendship, Intellect, and Idealism. Kind astrology describes the Water Bearer as an assertive, original, and idealistic individualist who treats every person equally. What you get is an in-your-face eccentric who spouts assorted oddball ideologies to anyone he or she can corner.

Next to Scorpio, more Aquarians check in and out of the local nut farm than any other sign. Personality Disorder was coined for the Aquarian head case.

Aquarius is dual-ruled by Uranus and Saturn. Uranus, the planet of abrupt change, brings revolution. Saturn, the planet of dogma and repression, indicates the status quo. In Aquarius these two heavy hitters create an unpredictable personality torn between creating change and craving security. Water Bearers try to force the world to change around them in order to create an illusion of nonconformity. In reality, they fear change.

Aquarians are aloof, not passionate. This is because they fear that introspection will reveal that they really don't have all the answers. Aquarians chase the future instead of living in the present. Being born without the self-analysis gene has created a schism between having a keen judgment about others but little understanding of themselves. Disagree with the Aquarian version of truth, and risk never seeing them again. Prove that they are as self deluded as the rest of us, and they will shatter like the thinnest glass.

lord give me strength

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If You Love One: Aquarius Man

If he isn't actually brilliant, an Aquarius male will be at least an innovative thinker who envisions a wonderful future and usually finds a way to make it real. His delightfully spontaneous side will prefer unplanned treks to out-of-the-way places; his practical, respectable side makes him secure and stable. He reads books, is concerned for the environment, and will simultaneously be your best friend and decidedly unconventional lover. Think you see a romantic breath of fresh air heading your way? That panting you hear crashing through the underbrush belongs to a cross between Doctors Strangelove and Frankenstein.

At best, he is an arbitrary, irritable eccentric who lives inside his own head, but is overall fairly harmless. At worst, he's a cold-blooded, cheerfully vile monster who will subject you to endless mental tortures, then watch you crumble with the emotional separation of a psychopath. He may have as caustic a tongue as W.C. Fields, who called his famous Leo costar Mae West "a plumber's idea of Cleopatra." Or live for years, looking and acting as normal as anyone else, then go out for milk one day and disappear.

A male Water Bearer has delusions of grandeur that would shame a Leo. He fancies himself as the world's savior, whether or not the world wants saving. And he will not hesitate if he must to force his plans for a change upon an unsuspecting group.

Consider Aquarian president Franklin Delano Roosevelt, whose grandiose scheme for relieving both a suffering economy and millions of unemployed Americans included the New Deal. Social Security Tax, Social Welfare, and the World War II Victory (Income) Tax all sprang from his vision.

Whether you agree or disagree with his political views, Roosevelt cannot be faulted for his humanitarian attempt to help the masses. However, in typical Aquarius fashion, the plan had little detail or built-in restriction so it laid the foundation for the tangled mess we have today. Like the good Dr. Frankenstein, his intent was to restore life, but the result was an uncontrollable monster.

The Water Bearer is neither selfish nor domineering, but that's only because you will see less of this man than a Sagittarius traveling salesman. He won't physically leave home because his trips are all in his mind. But he will virtually live in the garage or basement tinkering with his latest invention, trying to contact alien life forces, or calling the FBI and offering his services as a master spy.

He is Fixed Air and like his cousins Leo, Taurus, and Scorpio, he doesn't play well with others. He is as obstinate, tenacious, and attention seeking as those guys, but he's also ingenious at mind games. It was probably an Aquarius male who caused the legal system to devise the term mental cruelty.

He's twitchy. Most male Water Bearers have a nervous grimace that people mistake for a lopsided grin. His electrically charged personality makes him the king of snap judgments, endless pronouncements, and long answers to questions you never asked. On especially wild days his mere appearance causes dogs to howl and cats to hiss.

He may be into substance abuse not to delude himself as Pisces does, but to simply calm him enough to hold a job. And the amount he can take and still function under would put any other sign in a coma.

He's paranoid. He will keep the curtains closed, the TV turned to CNN, and the answering machine in action. He will expect you to report any unusual activities at the grocery store, or on your job, which he will immediately assimilate into his latest disaster fantasy. He will frequently hold conversations with the person standing three feet behind you, the one only he can see.

Although he loves to roam around the house naked as a lover, he prefers a good book, unless you capture his attention by appealing to his perverse side. The more bizarre you look and act, the better he likes it. Pretending that silver buckle you're wearing is really a tiny nuclear weapon, which may or may not detonate the exact instant he does, will drive him into a sexual frenzy. Strap it around his waist, tell him he's the ultimate sex machine, and you will be set for a night of multiple pleasures.

He's inventive, original, and when in balance with his Saturn nature, an unstoppable force. Consider original shock rocker Aquarian Alice Cooper. True to the Uranus-ruled side of his nature, he allegedly took his stage name from a seventeenth-century witch who spoke to him via the Ouija board. Of his band he said, "We were into fun, sex, death and money…and we drove a stake right through the heart of the Love Generation."

Cooper's wild-eyed expression, fright-night hair and makeup, and onstage penchant for flaming objects and gruesome theatrics such as mock hangings, guillotining, and murder of infant dolls that gush blood, all in the name of good fun, is vintage Awuarius. And as any true Water Bearer, he believes his job is to leave his audience feeling like they were "at the greatest party they were ever at in their lives."

His offstage life merges nicely with the Saturn side of the Aquarian nature. Cooper has been married to the same woman for twenty years, has three children, coaches Little League and soccer, is an avid golfer, and raises more than $150,000 a year for charity.

Whether yours is a weird-but-harmless genius or a sarcastic anarchist, life with the Aquarian male is as wild a ride as you can get on planet Earth.

lord give me strength

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If You Love One: Aquarius Woman

She's a free spirit who is eternally curious and always friendly. An Aquarian woman will enchant you with her enigmatic charm and seeks a man who is both romantic and intellectual. She is neither possessive nor jealous and believes that love begins with friendship. She is also a total individual who marches to her own drummer. Whether this is the beat of a jazz band or a set of tom-toms as she stakes you out on the nearest anthill is something you should try to determine before the wedding.

The good news is that she is one of the nicest people in the Universe. The bad news is, that's because she always does exactly what she pleases. An Aquarius female is rebellious, headstrong, and contrary. She can be selfishly independent and exasperating, especially when she is running through the house screaming, "Freedom!"

When angry, she can act out in an aggressive, childish way. She may stamp her feet, order you out of the house, or even trash the place in a fit of petulant indignation. But, usually, she approaches anger from the same detached mental perspective as she does everything else in life, preferring to argue and provoke you into a rage. As all Air signs, she is easily bored and delights in stirring the pot, especially if she thinks it will piss you off.

She's so unpredictable that each time you kiss her good-bye, you'll never know who, or what, will greet you when you return. She has few inhibitions. Some female Water Bearers have green hair, purple hair, or no hair at all. She will wear a nose ring, a toe ring, or six earrings in one ear and a tongue stud. She will dress any way she fancies, no matter what the occasion, and is apt to wear Levi's and a "Free Tibet" T-shirt to a formal dinner, where she will not hesitate to discuss any topic under the sun, including death, politics, cannibalism, or cannibalizing dead politicians. Her personality is combination shock treatment and rugged individualism.

The female Water Bearer loves gossip as much as Cousin Gemini. However, her odd curiosity lends itself to ferreting out the most disgusting bits of information she can find to horrify you with as she unleashes her maniacal laughter. She will also keep you up all night analyzing such inane topics as how dust bunnies are formed and whether or not Cancer Alex Trebek is really an android.

She has a horde of friends of all ages, sexes, persuasions, and character types. And she will be available any time of the day or night for guidance counseling, a free meal, or a warm bed. If you want to win her heart, be prepared to feel as if you are living in a combination bus station and therapist's office.

The more bizarre you are, the better your chances of getting her in the sack. Tell her you are doing research on vampire sexual rites in Los Angeles, and she'll confess that she channels new positions for the Kama Sutra from Bela Lugosi. Pretend you are an alien sex fiend from the planet Halcyon and she will wrap herself in Christmas lights and fall at your feet. However, unless you are an Aries with an endless imagination, or a Scorpio who can appeal to her perverse side, you'll soon find yourself with a bored partner who prefers reading about sex to doing the deed. But, don't confuse bored with non-sexy.

Hollywood bombshell Aquarius Mamie Van Doren wore the bullet bra when Leo Madonna was wearing diapers, and Mamie rarely, if ever, confused a good lay with a romantic attachment. True to the clever Aquarian nature, she survived the Blond Bimbo era of Hollywood, the sixties, and is still going strong. She still loves men, and as she's fond of saying, "Mamie likes 'em young."

Aquarius is not into blatant emotionalism, so if you are worship needy like Leo, or a drama-drenched Water sign, you'll soon feel like you've stumbled through an electrically charged whirlwind and been zapped, snapped, and spit out as too stupid to deal with, all in record time.

Ms. Aquarius also has a touch of money grubber in her soul. Although she's not quite as obvious as a Capricorn checking your Dun and Bradstreet rating, she does firmly believe in the old cliche that says it's as easy to love a rich person as a poor one. Charming, stunning, and nine-time married Zsa Zsa Gabor once said, "I've never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds."

Gabor's guest role on the last show of the old Batman TV series was typical of the Aquarius female. Maybe that's why she remembers it so fondly. Zsa Zsa played Minerva, an evil woman who owned a spa for men, where she scanned their brains under special hair dryers. "I loved the character," Gabor said. "The wardrobe was all gaudy and silver, and nothing can be more exciting than that. These hair dryers got all the spy stories out of people's brains. One person was a jewelry salesman and I could find out the combination to his safe. I opened that safe and diamonds kept on falling all over me. I loved it."

The title of her autobiography, One Lifetime Is Not Enough, sums up the philosophy of every Aquarian woman, including yours.

lord give me strength

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If You Are One, Born Rotten

You have the annoying habit of acting like an authority on subjects about which you know little or nothing. This is because your brain is like an encyclopedia with chunks of pages missing. You confuse snatches of a conversation held a year ago with the Adventure Channel's special on the pyramids you saw last week. Then insist you had a conversation with the curator of an Egyptian museum on the relics found in King Tut's tomb. The sad part is that you believe your fantasy so you are not only a phony but also a fruitcake.

Aliens kidnap Aquarians more often than any other sign. In fact, you probably are an alien who uses the kidnapped story as a cover for your strange behavior patterns. Your brain works faster than you can speak, so your conversation is riddled with mispronounced five-syllable words that makes you sound like Roger Rabbit talking about his uncle's "probate" gland.

You have a great sympathy for the trials and tribulations of humanity. Of course you rarely do anything other than expound on how much you care as you are too busy bugging your neighbor's house because you are convinced she is hiding five of the ten Most Wanted list in her basement. In fact, America's Most Wanted is your favorite TV show and you know every operator by name.

Aquarius is the sign of the humanitarian, inventor, mad scientist, and anarchist. Water Bearers also make good hippies, cross-dressers, and dyslexic English professors. You all own original cast recordings of Hair and keep your valuables locked in the safe disguised as an Early American end table in your den.

Your never-ending quirkiness and incessant questioning are the reasons why you have no close friends and your family members all live in other states. This is fine with you because it gives you the opportunity to scope out the action on the Greyhound to Phoenix. Besides, you love a captive audience and the trip gives you a chance to entertain your newly found friends with your ability to play "Yankee Doodle" with your armpits.

You have a kinship with the bizarre and collect items like petrified bat guano and that black stuff you find under the porch in humid weather. You are curious about strange religious movements or offbeat psychic practices such as Navel Lint Reading.

You are so unconcerned with what other people think of you that you rarely bother to bathe or dress on weekends. If an unexpected visitor arrives at your front door and is offended by your body odor and cluttered house, you figure it serves them right for not calling ahead so you could tell them to stay home.

In love, you are very selective. As soon as you realize your newest prospect is a poster child for the criminally insane, you are hooked. However, since you have no idea of how to sustain romance, as fast as the lust wanes or the handcuffs break, you are merrily on your way in search of newer and weirder conquests. When it comes to marriage, the most your spouse can hope for is a divorce.

You are the most annoying sign in the zodiac. You force friends and family alike to all-night speculations about the pros and cons of stamps you lick versus the peel-and-stick kind. However, you don't really understand how anything works and your scientific knowledge comes from watching programs like Bill Nye the Science Guy. you think fellow Aquarian Jerry Springer's show is a good example of a fun look at real life. The fact that he's picked people so unaware that they don't realize they are being ridiculed makes you laugh all the harder.

You are also the world's most original thinker. You are sensible, friendly, and idealistic. Your fierce need for independence, however, can be a dual-edged sword. Learn to overcome the urge to lay down the law and spout ultimatums beforegetting the facts straight, and you'll have the rest of the zodiac eating out of your hand. In the meantime, as a verbal gunslinger, you're the fastest draw in the Universe.

Your philosophy is "Honesty is the best policy." You are a free spirit who couldn't care less about conforming to society's standards. And you understand that home is a state of mind, not a defined place. Let other people cling to their outworn beliefs and nine-to-five routines.

lord give me strength

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