Born on a Rotten Day -- Aries

If You Love One: Aries Man

Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you've swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest.

Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.

Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armor. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the ass, all Aries traits. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance's point of view he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only one that counts.

The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he flings with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right. Especially when he's wrong.

Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may come on all "Aw shucks" and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.

On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago was a brass plate with the inscription Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare. If you don't swing, don't ring. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at seventy-six.

Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder.

When he appears at the table, he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in one hand and his favorite cold drink in the other. And, you'd better look like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of Mommy and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centerfold.

He thinks he is indestructible, but he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totaled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent headaches.

Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You'll have to clip coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk while he plays Mr. Fix-It with the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and raise your own veggies while he attacks his latest moneymaking scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practice road rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep the creditors off your back and a roof over your heads.

Mr. Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then want to screw your brains out the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardor as you're bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.

Your favorite Martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he's going out with the boys, and Capricorn would tell you he's working late at the office. Aries needs to rationalize his bad behavior. If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.

If You Love One: Aries Woman

She is independent, fun loving, and honest. She's not a game player or easily shocked. This lady can clean her own house, balance her own checkbook, and put the pieces of a shattered dream back together with such aplomb that no one's the wiser. She loves romance, sentiment, and men who are bold. And her ardor will not fade over the years. Just a minute, bud. Before you jump in that long line of frantic, scrambling men, take note. Those haggard guys are looking for the nearest exit.

If it doesn't begin with "I" and end wit "me," the female Aries isn't interested in the conversation. Ask how her day has been and be prepared for all the boring details. She thinks that because she's fascinated with herself, why, naturally, so are you.

A female Ram will compete with you on every level. Land a huge account, and she'll tell you that it was just dumb luck, while touting her own conquest of the day. Tell her you just won the Lotto and she'll say, "That's nice, but I just broke a fingernail!

She's impatient, critical, and will start and stop as many projects as a Gemini. The difference is that when Aries starts something, it's with one intent only, to end up at the head of the line. There's nothing altruistic about this babe. She wants power, status, and lots of dough. And, to get it, she'll drive herself, and you, to frenzy. If you want to be treated like a man, marry any other sign in the Universe. If you want to be told what to wear, eat, think, plus be constantly reminded that she is faster, better, and smarter than you, here's your girl. Think of Mama Rose in Gypsy, the eternal stage mother, the woman who expects everyone to live her dream, dangle in her shadow.

She's as jealous as Scorpio. But, don't mistake her green-eyed snarling as insecurity. Jealousy in all Rams comes from the need to be first. Even the kids will have to take a backseat to her in your affections. Prone to frequent temper tantrums, she is the perfect example of a pushy broad determined to get her way come hell or high water. She's not squeamish about who she has to walk on, or sleep with, to get to the top of her chosen field.

Joan Crawford and archrival Bette Davis are perfect examples of why the Aries female is known as the Queen Bitch of the Universe, and deserves the title. The legendary feud between the two stars was well known in the Hollywood of the forties and fifties.

Davies said of Crawford, "She's slept with every male star at MGM except for Lassie." In return Crawford said, "I don't hate Bette Davis" take away the pop eyes, the cigarette, and those funny clipped words and what have you got?

When the pair co-starred in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Bette had a Coca-Cola machine installed to irk Joan because of her affiliation with Pepsi. Joan got revenge by putting weights in her pockets when Davis had to drag her across the floor during a key scene. In an interview after filming wrapped, Davis said, "The best time I had working with Joan was when I pushed her down the stairs .

Remember this with your own firebrand. For every night you snuggle with her on the sofa, you'll spend the next ten either dodging verbal or physical darts, or in an endless whirl of friends, dinners out, and rushing to be the first in line at the latest movie.

The female Ram can outgun, outrun, outshoot, outtalk, and outsmart everyone around her. How do you know? Just ask her. Like a Leo man, an Aries woman is a legend in her own mind.

If You Are One, Born Rotten

You are capable of soaring to any height. Sometimes by utilizing your determined Martian energy. Sometimes by hopping on the nearest broom. You play all the angles, are jealous, competitive, and totally oblivious of your own worst behavior.

You don't do laid back. Instead, you picture yourself as The Great Enlightener and spend your time haranguing the rest of us into submission. You are nearly as tactless as a Sagittarius stuffing his size-twelve foot in his mouth. At the least, you have a gift of gab that can make a Gemini cry, and at your worst, your bellicose attitude loses friends and starts family arguments.

Since your favorite topic of conversation is the endless minutiae of your personal existence, you are also a colossal bore. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get to hear yourself talk. You are genuinely perplexed when rooms empty at your appearance and all y our friends get Caller ID, then refuse to answer the phone.

Your home is a combination trophy shop and arsenal. The wall next to the gun cabinet is filled with heads from your latest Bambi-shoot. The table in the corner holds a high school debate team cup and a marathon dance blue ribbon. Pictures of relatives line the hallways and the basement is stuffed with assorted military gear, World War II K-rations, and bottled water.

From the time you learned about the birds and bees (and people would be surprised at how early an age that was) until you're dead, sex is the uppermost thought in your mind. In grammar school, you played doctor. As a teen, you wore out the backseat of the family sedan. And as an adult, you forever fall in and out of love.

When you aren't filing your fingernails, you're sharpening your rapier wit on unfortunate friends or instigating family feuds. Actually, the word friend is something of a misnomer, because you usually choose people as friends in direct proportion to how they can help further your own plots and plans.

You Martians climb the social ladder as eagerly as Capricorns, but with far less finesse. You'll transparently kiss up to the most powerful person around and have the nerve not to blush with shame when you are accused of that very thing. In fact, you'll twinkle and smile, be all the more charming, and get away with the whole mess.

Aries is the sign of the sculptor, warmonger, Chippendale dancer, and the bad half of a good-cop-bad-cop team. Rams are also great athletes, freedom fighters, and bank robbers (e.g. Aries Clyde Barrow).

You were the type of child that flung open the closet door and dared any monster living there to get out of your space. You also had to get burned before you believed the stove was really hot. You still do. And therein lies your strength. You have no shame, and more nerve than a one-legged wire-walker.

You have a true warrior spirit and are relentless when fighting for a cause, or a person in whom you believe. Once you learn to truly listen to other viewpoints, and accept that you are not always right, the rest of the Universe will fall at your feet. However, in battle no other sign can match you.

Your philosophy is, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained . You couldn't care less what others think. You are a supremely confident, rugged individualist who lives life on your own terms. Let the rest of the world bake cookies and tend their gardens.