Born on a Rotten Day -- Capricorn

If You Love One: Capricorn Man

He's strong, dependable, and a bit shy. Whether he's rich or poor, he dresses impeccably, acts like a gentleman, and most likely owns his own business.

A male Capricorn will impress you with his reserved good manners. He may remind you of one of those old-time tough guys with a heart of gold, like Humphrey Bogart, and his favorite movie will probably be It's a Wonderful Life. Before you tear up over this sentimental fact, understand that the movie's evil banker, Mr. Potter, is the hero he's modeled his life after. Living with a Capricorn man is like being tied to a horsehair-upholstered armchair and forced to listen to a continuous loop of Night on Bald Mountain.

By the third date, he'll have decided whether or not he wants to make it permanent, which will have nothing to do with whether or not you feel the same way. Once he's fixed his beady little stare on you, he can make the most devoted Taurus look fickle.

Cappy loves applause as much as cousin Leo. However, where the Lion seeks adoration, the Goat sees it as an affirmation. No matter what means he uses to get where he's going, once he's there, he'll act like he's just one of the good old boys.

During Prohibition, Al Capone's bloodied climb to the top as King of the Bootleggers was unmatched in the annals of American crime. Capone dispatched friends and enemies alike with the same cold indifference. He was a model of Capricorn ruthlessness. But he also exhibited the Goat's need to be socially acceptable. He dressed more like a captain of industry than a killer, and saw to it that his intimate circle of henchmen did likewise. Capone attended the opera, immersed himself in Chicago society, and tried his best to give the appearance of benevolent bad boy just taking advantage of the times by supplying the relatively harmless vice of illegal liquor to an adoring public. In typical arrogant Capricorn style, Capone not only broke the law; he publicly dared the law to catch him. And though it finally did, Scarface Al didn't go to jail for bootlegging. He rode up the river on a tax-evasion charge, and history has it that once he was in Alcatraz, he became Boss Con.

Romantically, your Goat's basic attitude is that you should keep your mouth shut and your legs spread. Early in the relationship, he may forget himself and choke out an "I love you." Even if he marries you, he probably won't say it again. He will figure that if he made it legal and allowed you to quit your job so you could stay home to wait on him, that's proof enough.

Depending on his financial status, he'll have either a minioffice or a hotline to his bookie in the bedroom and will regulate your lovemaking with the same cool know-how he uses either in the boardroom or poolroom. He can be surprisingly passionate, once he feels comfortable enough to lose his inhibitions. But since he's not into role playing, sensual massage, or the use of mood-altering substances, you'll need the patience of a saint, and the persistence of a Virgo. It may take months to get him to lose the pajamas and quit shaking hands before jumping between the sheets.

He invented the double standard. The public credo of FBI's head Goat, J. Edgar Hoover, was a bug in every bedroom and a rule for every action. The fact that Hoover publicly scorned any behavior that was a hairsbreadth left of fascism, and wore a dress in private, is a classic example of the Capricorn's code of conduct.

He's condescending and totally oblivious to anyone's feelings but his own. He sees himself as the Great Patron and expects to control your checkbook, social calendar, and household schedule. He's so tight, he'll inspect the toothpaste tubes before you toss them away and make a once-a-week trip to the recycling center instead of using the curbside container.

Unless he's a chef or an auto mechanic, he won't shop for dinner or get his hands dirty changing the oil on the car. But he will dictate the grocery list and give you permission to call the auto shop he recommends. He doesn't want a partner who thinks. He wants someone who looks good on his arm. If you are a Libra, he's probably your ideal mate. If you are the independent type, be prepared for an onslaught of power plays that makes Scorpio look like a rank amateur.

His motto is, "Do as I say, not as I do." He has the annoying habit of trying to make you feel like a dog he's just saved from the pound and expects the same loyalty and blind devotion in return. Should you manage to pierce his hide and wound his ego, he'll shut himself away in a darkened room and brood. Use the respite to catch a nap.

If You Love One: Capricorn Woman

Every Capricorn woman has a built-in sense of style and social grace. Whether her personality is as outgoing as Dolly Parton, or as coolly reserved as Ava Gardner, her basic character is practical and sensible. She seeks a mate who is strong and ambitious and who plans for the future. Since she appreciates the best things in life, plan to take her to the finest restaurant. Oh, and be sure to bring along your stock portfolio and a copy of your family tree, because if one or the other doesn't push her I'm-so-impressed button, she'll never consider you as a serious match.

Leo may be Queen, but lady Capricorn is pure Diva. She can be as emotional as a Cancer at a pity party or as pushy as an Aries on a power trip. She's so status conscious that she won't plan a vacation until she's checked with her travel agent to see where this year's "in" spot is located. She'll pay a hundred dollars for a hairdo she hates if its' the latest style from the hottest salon in town.

In public, she'll be the model of social demeanor because she's always on the lookout for someone rich and famous to kiss up to. At home, you'll eat in the kitchen and watch TV in the bedroom, because she's afraid you'll get a spot on the tablecloth or wrinkle the fabric on the sofa. She spends a good part of the day walking through the house blowing kisses to all the inanimate objects she so dearly loves.

She's pretentious. She may have been raised under a bridge on the wrong side of the train tracks, but before she consents to meet your friends, she'll expect a rundown of their social standing. She'll look down on the one who's content to own one service station instead of a gas company, and fawn over the one who just got paroled from jail for creative accounting. The former she views as lazy, the latter as inspired.

Capricorn hookers are just as snooty. Mayflower madam Sydney Biddle Barrows and Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss who each respectively cornered the market on high-class brothels, were just as selective about their clientele. And just as socially aware of their public. When asked to comment about being busted, Biddle told a reporter, "Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial." When Fleiss was paroled, she headed straight for the plastic surgeon. "I had a lot done," she said. "Lips, ears, eyes, boobs. Being in prison with no skin care really does a number on you."

Yours probably won't be as blindly ambitious, but she will have a definite tendency to embellish the truth if the teatime conversation with friends turns to family stories. Her aunt Maybelle, who's the hog-calling champion of West Virginia, might evolve into a much-revered a cappella singing star of the South.

The lady Goat is as humor-challenged as her male counterpart and will mope for days over any offhanded teasing. Her joke switch is set on dim, and the only time she really smiles is when she's emptying the cookie-jar bank to buy another savings bond.

Romantically, she may swing both ways, but she's not into swinging from the chandelier. However, don't confuse serious with sexless. Capricorn megastar Marlene Dietrich was known as the "love-pirate" for the shocking ease with which she stole spouses and lovers away from their partners.

She expects to be pursued, wooed, and put in the mood, which may get a bit tiresome after five or six years. Tossing a diamond between the sheets is a surefire way to get her to dive in bed. Or, if you aren't rich, make it a granola bar. Capricorn women love little gifts and are always on a diet.

Whether yours is the life of the party or the classic woman-behind the man, keeping up appearances and long-term security mean more to a Capricorn woman than either a warm blanket or your warm body.

If You Are One: Born Rotten

You invented the phrase "politically correct." You want people to believe you are a socially astute, dignified, classically chic success magnet. Actually, you are a dedicated social climber, who knows just enough about manners to eat with a fork and not blow your nose in public. However, you are such an accomplished bullshit artist that you successfully fake your way into the highest social circles.

The quest for power drives you as forcefully as it does cousin Scorpio. However, because your emotional nature is in hibernation, you suffer none of the Scorpion's passionate derailments on the way up the corporate ladder. Your business philosophy is that of the early railroad magnates. Kill what you can't buy off and stay on schedule.

An unusual number of your sign have the same taste in food as your symbolic counterpart anything and everything. You equate exotic with animal parts that no one else will eat and you are famous for inviting family and friends over for a home-cooked meal, then refusing to tell them what that is on their plates. A Capricorn invented the term chef's surprise.

You are slow to anger because you consider yourself so superior to the rest of humanity that you rarely lower yourself to hold a two-sided conversation. You disregard any opinion except your own, and the most others can expect is a sourfaced glower and flick of your wrist as you dismiss them as blathering fools for whom you have no time.

You are the late-bloomer of the zodiac. Astrologers kindly say that yours is the sign of reverse aging. What this really means is, as a child you sold tickets when your cat had kittens and played Foreclosure instead of Monopoly. And, when you reach the old folks home, your nickname will be either Baby Jane, because you swish through the halls in your tutu, or Letch, because it's finally dawned on you what playing doctor really meant in fifth grade and you're trying to make up for lost time.

You are so conservative that you are two steps right of survivalist. You think fellow Goat Rush Limbaugh should be president, and you burned your Barry Goldwater campaign button when he publicly announced his support of gays in the military.

Capricorn is the sign of the business tycoon, urban legend, hermit, Pope, and party pooper. Goats also make excellent personal shoppers and self-employed hit men. Ever the traditionalist, the latter subscribes to the work ethic of if you want something done right, do it yourself.

At home you enjoy sitting on your four-thousand-dollar sofa (the one Libra couldn't afford) sipping rare wine and quietly conversing with friends. The facts that you have to strain to hear them over the crackling plastic cover and your bottle of 1969 Thunderbird has a rather piquant flavor, doesn't bother you a bit. You are too busy pretending the portrait above the fireplace is your great-great-uncle John, whose blood was so blue he signed the Declaration of Independence with it and no one was the wiser.

You also have the strongest will in the zodiac. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Once you reconcile your emotional needs with your drive to succeed, nothing on Earth can stop you. In an argument, there isn't a sign in the Universe that can top you.

Yours is the philosophy of "No pain no gain." You know there's no such thing as a free ride in life and have the rare gift of foresight, so are prepared to work hard in youth in order to ensure a secure old age. Let the rest of the world waste time and live beyond its means.