Born on a Rotten Day -- Pisces

If You Love One: Pisces Man

He's a dreamboat who lives for romance, and his hypnotic charisma will leave you weak-kneed and breathless. He may be a visionary like Copernicus, or a joker  à la Billy Crystal, but a Pisces man is intuitive, caring, and sympathetic. No other male in the Universe is as capable of profound love and devotion. Unfortunately, he's so in love with himself that you don't stand a chance.

The male Fish is the emotional black hole of the Universe. Toss your heart, soul, and car keys, and all will disappear forever. This guy learned at an appalling young age how to weasel his way out of work and charm his way into bed.

He's definitely sensual, sexy, and cute, in a debauched sort of way. Don't let the façade fool you. At home he may be a quiet little Fish, swimming around and around the beer bottle, but romantically he is the great white shark of the zodiac. A Scorpio man will hurt you because he has a morbid fear of rejection. Your Pisces guy will do it just to keep his teeth sharpened.

He's a natural born liar. And he's honed the art until he fools himself. Such as when he's perched on his favorite bar stool, watching the sports channel and ogling hot bodies, but telling himself he's gathering material for the novel he plans to write. The only thing this loser will ever write is a smeared phone number on his cocktail napkin.

He's self-destructive. Pisces Desi Arnaz had everything. Looks, career, and for its time, a state-of-the-art TV show with wife, Leo Lucille Ball. Arnaz possessed the extraordinary talent for both creative artistry and business acumen. He also possessed the extraordinary Piscean thirst for alcohol, and roving eye, which ultimately left Ball no choice but to divorce him. Ball became a megastar. Arnaz battled alcohol and obscurity for the rest of his life.

He loves sex games. Feel free to wear your nurse's uniform but expect him to play patient, not doctor. Buy a dog collar and he will bark. Introduce him to your best friend, if you dare, but don't leave them alone. He will have affairs anywhere, any time, with anyone who will hold still long enough. And with an icy detachment that rivals his Gemini cousin. The Fish can cleave you full of his declarations of undying love, drive straight to his favorite watering hole, and pick up the first available body.

Or, full of his divine spiritual fervor, à la Pisces Jimmy Swaggart, hop in his Caddy and head for the nearest hooker. In classic Pisces self-delusion, when caught with his parables down, Swaggart blamed the woman for being a minion of the Devil who tempted him to stray. Then he gave one of the most spectacular public displays of improvised remorse and Emmy-caliber acting since the night female Fish, Tammy Faye Bakker, ripped off her false eyelashes on TV to prove that she wasn't afraid to reveal her real self. Can you say Amen?

Don't expect your Fish to be the breadwinner. Some Pisces males start on a career path early, but if yours hasn't dropped the remote and picked up a degree by the time he's in his late twenties, forget it. You will end up with a ne'er-do-well who thinks making his fortune means winning the lottery, and that Real TV is culturally educational. If you are a Virgo with a job, house, and checkbook, or a Cancer who doesn't mind playing nursemaid for the rest of your life, this guy was meant for you.

He's tedious. He has a compulsion to use the same cliches he's used since high school and will invariably run a subject straight into the ground in the shortest time possible. Telling him he's not funny only eggs him on, because he's not after your laughter, he's out to provoke you.

All bluff and no substance, Mr. Fish is a cast of thousands and even he doesn't know what scene he'll play next. But, since he does like role-playing you could pretend you're the Lone Ranger and ride on.

If You Love One: Pisces Woman

She has an aura of responsiveness that instantly puts you at ease. The female Pisces is a classic romantic who expects her mate to be a gentle man. She prefers privacy to partying, quality to quantity, and you, alone, to the rest of the world. Consider yourself the luckiest man alive? What if I told you that her zodiac nickname is Queen of the Horizontal Mamba, and that her commitment to you won't necessarily slow her down?

Ms. Pisces is as sexually diffuse as Fish-boy, except where the male tricks his lovers into believing he is a prince in frog's clothing, she tricks herself that every man she gets between the sheets, or on top of the Xerox machine is her One True Love, at least for a couple of hours. This woman has kissed dozens of toads in her quest for a soul mate. Trouble is, she rarely lifts her eyes higher than the swamp. Of course, this is extremely lucky for you if you are demented, unemployable, a hopeless mama's boy, or an escaped felon.

Her basic personality is like a metaphorical aquarium where a great variety of fish jostle for position. Dangle your fingers over the tank and you'll never be sure whether a gentle dolphin will raise its back to be petted or Jaws will snap them off for lunch. Angry Fish spout like Moby Dick blasting steam, then dive for the nearest dark place. She will become visibly agitated if you press her, and can snap off a few sarcastic remarks. However, she will most likely just shriek and dissolve into a hysterical sobbing heap.

At first you'll adore the lavish attention she offers. Soon, though, you'll get a distinct tight-in-the-chest feeling when she begins to nag. And the Pisces female has honed the art of nagging to the level of Chinese water torture. She will prod and push, trying to mold you into her ideal mate. Trouble is, she has not a clue as to who that person is. All female Fish idealize Daddy, especially if he doesn't deserve it, and apply this same irrational logic to you. It has nothing to do with heroes and everything to do with distancing herself from a truly intimate relationship.

A Pisces woman may appear fragile, helpless, and other-worldly. However, beneath that innocent smile is a spine of stainless steel. Consider Elizabeth Taylor, the famous Pisces astrologers love to use as an example of an exotic, delicate Fish. Taylor has survived dozens of operations, several near-death experiences, and brain surgery. Her health issues alone would have killed a lesser person years ago, not to mention her romantic stamina in the marriage arena. In addition to multiple divorces and widowhood, she's survived two marriages to the same Scorpio, Richard Burton. You call that fragile?

Ms. Fish is her own worst enemy and prefers self-pity to rational discussion. Argue with her and she will either turn the air blue with language so foul it would make a sailor blus, or fling herself upon the nearest piece of furniture and sob her guts out. It won't take you long to figure out that she's hooked on drama and actually likes a good fight. It gives her a chance to hone her acting skills, and clear out her sinuses at the same time.

Although usually very intelligent, her offhanded attitude toward life will leave you wondering whether all her synapses are firing in sequence. She will forget to balance the checkbook for months, coast into the gas station on a fume and a prayer, and swear that the refrigerator was full just yesterday. If you intend to have a decent retirement income and eat regularly, you will have to control the purse strings and learn how to cook.

No other woman in the Universe comes on so devoted, selfless and understanding, and departs with a bigger chunk of your bloody heart stuck on her little pink fingernails. And she will be fluttering those artistic hands long after you've run screaming for the nearest therapist's couch.

If You Are One, Born Rotten

Pisces has often been called the dustbin of the zodiac. Mental hospital is a closer description. On your trek around the karmic wheel, you've not only picked up everyone else's bad habits, you've managed to forego most of the good ones.

You are as obtuse as Taurus, anal as Virgo, and as wishy-washy as Libra. You blather as much as Gemini and Sagittarius put together, but your conversation is limited to instant replays of all the boring details of your crises-laden life. When you want something you can knock down more little old ladies than an Aries fighting to be first at a Macy's white sale. You are as freaked-out as Aquarius, obsessed as Scorpio, and whiny as a Cancer with a sore throat. Your penchant for theatrics makes the most flamboyant Leo look reticent, and your opinion of yourself is higher than that of a Capricorn who's just foreclosed on a Swiss bank.

You also have the special-to-you-alone gift for viewing life from a perpetually unworkable slant. You are so afraid of conflict that you would rather eat worms than confront a problem. But that's fine with you because it gives you the excuse to lie on the couch all day, flipping the remote and sighing.

The cliche of the lights are on but no one's home was no doubt first used to describe a Fish. You will fade out in the middle of commuter traffic going seventy, wake up in the next town, and have absolutely no idea how you got there.

Every Pisces is addicted to something. The obvious dangers are booze and drugs. However, serial romances, food, TV, and excessive sleep are also ways you avoid dealing with reality. You are probably a lifetime member of every organization with Anonymous in the title.

Pisces have every psychological and psychosomatic illness known to man and participate in medical research trials more often than any other sign. You love the attention and use the twenty-five dollars to buy wine. You are so afraid of confrontation that trying to carry on a conversation with you is like talking to a bobble-head doll. You can't make a decision, no matter how inconsequential, and you have the social presence of a doormat. But, you do hate to see suffering. That's why you wear dark glasses.

Your favorite TV shows are the <i>Jerry Lewis Telethon</i> and the <i>PTL Club</i>. you love to cry along with fellow Fish Jerry and to self-righteously bash those lacquer-haired televangelists.

As the last sign of the zodiac, you've walked in every other sign's shoes at least once. And slept in all their beds. You charm the pants off anyone...literally. However, you are so reality-challenged that you don't want a life, you want a move.

Pisces make good actors, faith healers, vice cops, savants, and drag queens. You are also psychic; however you are so self-absorbed that the only future you care about is your own.

You don't do realism. Instead you prefer to view life from either your internal set of rose-colored glasses, or from a state of altered consciousness. Either way, you drift through the years with your head in the sand, preferring your fantasies and dragging behind you an endless line of losers you call family and friends. But that's OK with you, since it gives you an excuse to drink and bitch.

You are the chameleon of the Universe, and the shades of every other sign flutter through your soul. Because you are so acquiescent and hate conflict, you are invariably underestimated. Once you learn to quit underestimating yourself, that quality is precisely what will give you the edge over every other sign.

Yours is the philosophy of "Live and let live." Let other people scramble to grab the spotlight, run the world, or claw their way to the top; you are too busy making your dreams come true, quietly and determinedly behind the scenes.