If You Love One: Sagittarius Man

He's honest, trusting, and eternally optimistic. He won't restrict your freedom, or expect you to drop your nights out with friends in favor of staying home with him. He may have a wry perspective on life similar to mark Twain's or the diplomacy of Winston Churchill. An Archer wants a companion to accompany him or frequent, spontaneous outings to wonderfully diverse places, because to him, life is to be explored and enjoyed.

Before you decide he's your soul mate, understand that a male Sagittarius has the same attitude toward commitment as does his mythological symbol, the Centaur. He spends all of his youth and most of his adulthood in continual heat. He is an accomplished lover, but it's the deed he desires, not you.

You no doubt fell for his Boy Scout smile and talent for quoting Shakespeare while simultaneously unfastening your bra. But, as a partner, he makes a great friend, one you won't see very often because his idea of home is a place to drop in when he needs a change of clothes or a shower. Since an Archer could happily live in a cave for months, eating crickets and contemplating his navel, even if you marry him, you'll feel like you're still single.

Don't expect to lean on his shoulder or cling to his arm. Do expect to be his pal (or groupie) and to spend many nights alone. He's neither jealous nor possessive. In fact, he wants you to have a life independent of his since that allows him more time for drinking beer with his buddies and following his favorite football team around the nation. He is the one guy in the Universe who was born to be a bachelor. He won't care how you dress, who your friends are, or where you spend your time, as long as you don't bother him with the details. He's too busy elucidating his latest theory for solving all the problems of the world.

Archers have opinions on every subject under the sun, and cannot answer even simple questions with a plain yes or no. ask if he wants a ham sandwich, and he'll answer with the history of the Earl of Sandwich, the sixteen different kinds of bread you could use to enhance the flavor of the meet, and a dissertation on mustard.

Michael de Nostradamus, the sixteenth-century French physician and mystic, had the distinct Sagittarian penchant for expounding on the mysteries of the

Universe. In typical Archer style, the good doctor's visions were not only voluminous, totaling more than one thousand, but were carefully crafted, allowing endless interpretations. This ensured that whatever happened, he could be credited with prophesizing the event. Only an Archer would be as audacious and irresponsible as to predict events two thousand years into the future. And only an Archer could do it with such flair for the art of bullshit.

A male Sagittarius respects authority, as long as he's the authority figure. Question his right to rule and you'll soon understand the meaning of Jupiter's wrath. He has a nasty temper and his volcanic eruptions result in expensive trips to the nearest home improvement center for wallboard, nails, and plaster.

He's impulsive. Send him out for milk, and he'll come home with reservations for the midnight flight to Peru. He might invite you along, and then again, he might tell you that since you both know he has more fun alone, he bought only one ticket. If he does take you, you will spend half your time dragging him out of the local hotspots where he's trading pickup lines with the natives and the other half tracking him through the jungle as he searches for the meaning of life. You'll be better staying home hoping he gets kidnapped by pygmies.

The Archer's favorite game is Bad to Worse. Tell him the sink backed up, and he'll flood the basement because he forgot to turn off the water before he tore out the plumbing. Ask him to forgo one of his several nights out with the boys in favor of a quiet dinner at home, and he'll rant and rave that you are smothering his need for freedom.

Even lovable Archer Walt Disney had a dark side. Remember all those endearing fairy tales he brought to the screen? Bambi's dead mother and a raging forest fire. The orphaned Lion King stalked by his own family members. Snow White and Cinderella: One with a stepmother who wanted to cut her heart out, and the other who was forced to become a servant in her own home.

Yours will step on your toes, bore you with rhetoric, and hurt your feelings with a thoughtless remark. After all, he is a fire-breathing dragon. But, this guy is more like Pete's Dragon, Disney's character who flops along meaning no harm and leaving little lasting damage.

If You Love One: Sagittarius Woman

She's the original Pollyanna. The Sagittarius woman is independent, optimistic, and believes that honesty is the best policy. She's not into self-pity, and you will find her genuine friendliness refreshing. She seeks a well-read, well-traveled partner. Picture a happy home, filled with laughter, spontaneity, and a woman who will accompany you to the ends of the earth.

Before you beg this bright little star to shine her light on you exclusively, please understand that not only is she afflicted with the same hoof-in-mouth disease as her male counterpart, all Sagittarian females are subject to a Twilight Zone sort of serendipity that frequently causes them to be in the wrong place at the right time. She may not appear at dinner because she saw a cat stuck up a tree, dialed 911, and is trying to talk the fireman into letting her go up the ladder to rescue it.

She's also chronically late. If she gets up three hours early to be at your side before surgery, she'll get sidetracked into sorting the last six years' worth of phone bills into chronological order. Or, if she manages to make it out the door on time, she will have forgotten that today is also the neighborhood Cause-of-the-Month jog-a-thon, then forget you as she falls in step with her friends. She also falls down a lot, so don't be surprised if she's hobbling on crutches when she finally arrives at your bedside.

Her anger is like a flash fire that singes your eyebrows before you can drop and roll. Push her volcano button, and you will find yourself dodging assorted flying objects and buying a new set of glassware in the morning. She cools down rapidly but doesn't forget easily, and will most likely spend the next several months entertaining friends and family with a detailed account of the fight. Although she will have everyone howling with laughter, you will have learned that public humiliation is her way of punishing you for being such a jerk.

U.S. temperance advocate Carry Nation exemplifies both sides of the female Jupiter-ruled nature. During her pre-hatchet wielding days, she was known as Mother Nation, because of her generosity. One of her colleagues said, "Whatever she believes in she believes with her whole soul, and nothing except a superior force can stay her." When she joined the temperance movement, her typical Sagittarian lack of forethought and self-righteous arrogance surfaced. Her Jupitarian wrath was so formidable that boxing champion Libra John L. Sullivan hid from her when she marched into his upscale bar in New York City. Nation's bombastic wrath, independent personality, and unorthodox tactics were totally Sagittarian.

A female Archer can talk twenty minutes without stopping for air. She smiles so much you will think she had plastic surgery from the same quack that stitched up the Joker. And she overloads her life with projects, parties, causes, and casual friendships because she can't stand to be alone.

She detests housework and most of the time your home will resemble the aftermath of a Level V tornado. Investing in a housekeeping service will keep the mold under control in the bathroom and ensure that you don't lose the children in the rubble.

In love, your lady Centaur likes affection but hates it if you try to smother her. She cherishes her freedom as much as the male, but is less apt to have either a wandering eye or body. However, she will have many assorted male friends whom she continues to phone and have lunch and share a movie with now and then. So, if you are a suspicious Scorpio, possessive Taurus, or arrogant Leo, you should think several times before considering this lady as a long-term mate because she will expect your trust and refuse to change her lifestyle. She is extremely passionate, but prefers sexual adventure to cloying emotional scenes. 

Whether she's as outspoken as Jane Fonda or as outrageous as Bette Midler at her high-camp best, your lady Archer is the most independent female under the Sun.

If You Are One, Born Rotten

You aren't happy unless you have a cause. Whether wiping out world hunger or fighting for more coconut doughnuts in the office snack box is immaterial, as long as you can unleash the force of Jupiter's self-righteous zeal.

You are the most capricious sign in the Universe. The fact that your frequent midnight treks for pizza and beer clad in nothing but your underwear has earned you your own code number with the local cops only enriches the list of outrageous stories you love to endlessly repeat to whimpering friends and family.

You don't do stable. Your threshold of boredom is so low that if anything in your life remains the same for longer than five minutes, you hyperventilate and head for the nearest exit. Your definition of comfort zone is the rest of the world's idea of maniac mode. Although you are basically a loner who loathes routine of any kind, you abhor solitude. This is because your Jupiter-ruled nature needs someone to look down on and order around. When forced to be alone, you subscribe to Sagittarius Frank Sinatra's philosophy of "I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniel's."

Everything about you is exaggerated. <i>Honesty</i> means saying things such as "For a fat person, you sure don't sweat much." And your sense of adventure is limited to navigating the basement stairs without turning on the light. You talk about travel much more than actually going anywhere.

You are also the clumsiest sign alive. More accident-prone than an Aries in a sports car, your perpetually bruised head and scabby knees occur simply because  you never pay attention. You stumble through lifelike Archer Emmett Kelly's sappy alter ego, breaking flowerpots with your head and dropping the good china on your bare feet trying to help do the dishes. But that's OK with you since you would rather be crippled for life than do anything the easy way.

You view romance as a race of how many, how fast. When you aren't flirting shamelessly with a married friend, you are getting engaged to three unlucky lovers simultaneously while making wedding plans with a fourth. And you are capable of leaving them all standing in the rain at the train station while you elope with the Leo in the gold jumpsuit you just met at the liquor store.

Sagittarius is the sign of the philosophy professor, travel agent, gypsy cab driver, and court jester. Archers also make excellent vagrants, snake oil salesmen, and joke writers for the Internet. Your ideal vacation spot is anywhere you don't have to bathe, shave, or cut your toenails.

You are also the optimist of the Universe who never loses sight of the end of the rainbow. You are positive, energetic, and full of good intentions. You need  to learn to curb your proclivity to speak before you think, and fine-tune your excellent diplomatic skills. Once you understand the difference between trusting your luck and pushing your luck, nothing on earth can stop you. In battle, your aim is straight and your arrows are swift.

Yours is the philosophy of "He who laughs last laughs best." You believe in forgive-and-forget and rarely take life too seriously or for granted. Let everyone else grit their teeth, brawl and battle. You are too busy forging toward your private dream and enjoying the journey to boot.