Born on a Rotten Day -- Taurus

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TAURUS: April 20 - May 20

What's Mine is Mine, What's Yours is Mine

Notable Taureans at AoI:
Mary Stuart, the Princess Mary (30 April)

Element: Earth. Taurus Earth is like a swamp filled with ancient trees covered in moss. Maneuvering through this bog feels like a dream in which you try to walk but get nowhere.

Quality: Fixed. Taurus is the original immovable object.

Symbol: The bull. Bullish. Bullheaded. Raging bull. Full of bull.

Ruler: Venus, the goddess of lust, jealousy, and hedonism.

Favorite Pastime:
Passing judgments over dinner.

Favorite Book:
The Gluttonous Gourmet.

Dream Job:
Hanging judge.

Key Phrase:
"Why do you make me hit you?"

Body Part:
The throat, usually sore from bellowing.

 

Approach With Caution

Taurus, the second sign of the zodiac, resides in the House of Money and Possessions. Traditional astrology kindly describes this Fixed-Earth sign as a steadfast, discriminating, thrifty homebody who is a great cook. Your real-life version more closely resembles a stubborn, judgmental, boring miser with a weight problem.

Mention Taurus, and most people conjure up a mental image of Sagittarius Munroe Leaf's Ferdinand the Bull, peacefully chewing sweet grass and batting his big bovine eyes in placid contentment. Lean across the fence and he'll let you scratch behind his ears. Climb over that fence and attempt to pick a few of the daisies growing in his pasture, and you'll soon discover the dark side of tranquility - Raging Bull. With practice, you can spot an imminent charge. His or her face darkens visibly as the temper rises. The eyes veil, the jaw juts or sets, ever so slightly. Some unconsciously lower the head a bit and look up at you as a real bull does before it charges. Depending on how self-controlled yours is, you have from one second to a few minutes to brace yourself.

Venus rules Taurus and here, this ancient bad girl bestows an insatiable appetite. Bulls can never get enough approval, possessions, food, rest, or sex.

Bulls are emotional, not intellectual. Relying on instinct rather than fact, they often fall victim to their own judgmental natures. Being born without the seeing-another-person's-point-of-view gene has voided all reason and logic. Arguing your case will only enrage them and craze you. Prove your point, and Taurus will simply blink those big, soulful eyes and look at you as if you were speaking a foreign language.

lord give me strength

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If You Love One: Taurus Man

He's patient, prudent, and persevering, a tower of strength on whom you can lean. You'll fall for his shy charm and those big, sad eyes. He may remind you of a slow-talkin', slow-walkin' hero like Gary Cooper or Henry Fonda. His needs are simple: home and hearth, a good woman, and a nest egg for that rainy day. Before you start drooling, read on, sweetie.

Taurus may offer old-shoe comfort, but what you're likely to get is an army-boot mentality. Hook up with the Bull and either do things his way, or do your thing alone. He won't mind your independence, if it benefits him in some way, and as long as dinner is ready when he appears.

Don't expect to be showered with praise and lavish attention. Do expect to be cast into the role of the little woman. Of all the men in the Universe, this one expects the 1950s textbook version. He will buy your clothes, pick your friends, and criticize your beliefs. He's judgmental and fixed in his ideas, attitudes, and prejudices. Nothing you can say or do will change him. You'll have the distinct feeling of being boiled alive slowly, just as the proverbial frog, and you will be right. Mr. T invented the smothering relationship.

He is jealous, possessive, and obsessive. Piss him off and he'll hold a grudge. Unfortunately, it's not a silent one. He will snipe and pick and make nasty remarks until you want to bash his head with the nearest blunt object.

William Randolph Hearst provides a classic example of the Taurean love of possessions gone berserk. He spent tens of millions of dollars to build himself a real castle filled with priceless art and furnishings from all over the world. According to Hollywood legend, Hearst built the castle for his ladylove, Marion Davies, because his wife refused to divorce him. Talk about a gilded cage and a grim fairy tail. You would think a guy with all that power and dough would have no trouble buying off a wife. Well, Marion didn't get a wedding ring and she didn't get the castle. It was his castle, filled with his possessions. She was just a living adornment for the furniture.

The Taurean love for food is renowned, and the Bull likes to eat. By your second anniversary he could be wearing triple-X sweats and a truss. He is capable of eating himself into multiple heart attacks and will expect you to play nurse for real.

His idea of excitement is switching from the food channel to Wrestlemania. It's convenient, not too far from the refrigerator, and best of all, doesn't cost anything. You may be irresistible, and he may love you madly, but he will never understand why you need any other company but his. If he does take you out, it will be to one of his favorite restaurants, where he'll be too busy stuffing his face to make decent conversation.

He's a cheapskate. Only a Taurus could live on a beer-and-beans budget unnecessarily. He may have millions, but you'll never see the bank accounts, although you might get an allowance. If you do get his money, it will only be because you outlived him, or murdered him in his sleep. The latter will become a tempting idea as time goes by.

Sigmund Freud's use of psychoanalysis was a breakthrough in the field of psychiatry. But only a Taurus man could be at once so obtuse and so egotistical as to define a woman's frustrations and unresolved emotional distress as penis envy. Freud's Scorpio ascendant only fueled his obsession with sex. Virtually all of his theories held sex responsible for all the emotional ills of mankind. Including Sigi, who had a lengthy affair with his wife's younger sister: The original Freudian slip.

The Bull's favorite game is Grand Inquisitor. He will expect you to report every detail of your day. He will also rummage through your private papers and read your diary at the first opportunity. If you have a past and are foolish enough to reveal it, he is capable of using it against you at any time for the rest of your life. Your best bet is a safe-deposit box and to lie your ass off. He is so stable, he's inert. Work and home are all he knows. Although he's marathon man between the sheets, what he really wants is a housekeeper, and is so insensitive that you must hit him with a skillet to get attention. If you're the type who needs excitement now and then, you could lick the light socket or have an affair. With a Taurus man, I'd opt for the former. The Bull is not the forgive-and-forget type. Although he hates change, he is perfectly capable of tossing you out on your ear one day and moving in your replacement the next.

lord give me strength

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If You Love One: Taurus Woman

She is Mother Earth in a black teddy. She is faithful, courageous, and strong. The Taurus woman seeks security and a dependable mate. Money is not important as long as you can provide a nice home and the basic necessities. She has a refreshingly simple viewpoint of life. Picture fresh-baked bread, a cozy love nest, and her dainty hand in yours. Before you fall on your knees to offer that engagement ring, picture an iron hand in that little velvet glove.

She's as tough as nails, no matter how hard she tries to convince you, and herself, otherwise. She is also a victim. You, on the other hand, will be a bastard from the instant you slip the wedding ring on her finger. Don't forget it.

If you argue, beware; she has all the wrath of her male counterpart and the same penchant for violence. Without hesitation, she will throw whatever she happens to have in her hand, including a butcher knife, at your head.

Food is an emotional pleasure. She will eat when she's happy, depressed, angry, or just plain hungry, which is most of the time. By your second anniversary, her summer wardrobe will consist of an oversize blue muumuu and flip-flops. In winter the muumuu will be red and she'll replace the sandals with hunting socks. She'll pull the whole outfit together with a woolen shawl she found at the secondhand store. Along with the weight gain will come a natural slowing down of the urge to keep the house tidy. Her reasoning will be that it only gets dirty again. She will, however, expect you to work two jobs to pay for her new car. She deserves it for putting up with you.

She likes to start family feuds, then sit back and observe the mayhem. Emotionally as sensitive as a drill sergeant, she spouts orders, makes pronouncements, plans everyone's future, and expects blind obedience. Try to reason with her, and she'll set her jaw and plant her swollen feet.

A female Taurus doesn't believe in anything she can't clutch in her greedy little hands. Possessing an idea, other than where her next meal is coming from, is as foreign to this lady as is the thought of you with another woman. Get caught with your pants down and she may refuse to believe her own eyes. Security, even with a lowlife, is more important than her self-esteem.

She's easily depressed. Running out of vanilla ice cream can cause a funk. When down, she resembles the maniacal nurse in Misery. Yours may not be your greatest fan, but she's certainly capable of hobbling you to keep you home. Not physically, but emotionally and financially. She will spend your money faster than you can earn it, while investing hers in an account you'll never find.

She is a martyr. She blames the world, her job, the kids, and you for her own faults. If she has four plates of lasagna, then is ill later, it's your fault for letting her eat so much. If she runs over a cat on the way to work, it's the cat's fault for being in the road.

She is also a survivor. Consider Russia's Catherine the Great. Her family was duped into allowing an arranged marriage with the heir to the throne of Russia. When the heir turned out to be a half-wit, and Russia a near-barbaric country, Catherine's mother protested the travesty and was dispatched home without a good-bye. Catherine was nineteen.

Kate the Great not only survived; she thrived. She used her earthy sensuality to screw her way into the hearts of the prince's personal guard and soon produced a bouncy, and normal, baby boy. Rumor had it that the baby's father was a Cossack guard. Didn't matter to a people who had been subjected to the whims of a madman. Later, with another lover's help, Catherine seized power, had the evil emperor dispatched, and saved the country. She ruled for nearly forty years.

Your lady bull is much less likely to kill you go get revenge, but she will get it, just the same. She won't use emotional blackmail, as a Water sign would, or come at you screeching like a Fire sign. She prefers the role of judge and jury and to exact her punishment for the rest of your life.

When you're ready to dump her, and who could blame you, make all your preparations in secret and take a day off work to move without her knowledge. Sounds cruel, bit it could save you a trip to the hospital, or the morgue. If you behave so consistently bad that she throws you out, just toss your toothbrush and one change of underwear in a paper sack and hit the road. She will keep everything else. Unfortunately, for her, it takes a lot to make a Taurus kick you out. She is the original ball and chain. Make her cry, and she will lie on the couch sucking up the HÃagen-Dazs all day. Make her mad, and you'll like on the floor, nursing a black eye.

lord give me strength

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If You Are One, Born Rotten

You are stubborn, inflexible, and so laid back you're in a coma. That's on a good day. As with all true forces of nature, there's nothing subtle about you. You're capable of wrath measuring ten on the Richter scale. In your heart, you believe you are right, even when you are proven wrong, and are so narrow-minded that you can get stuck in a rut so deep, you need a ladder to climb out. That's OK with you because you think it's a safe and sane way to live.

You are perfectly willing to plod through life without trampling anyone's toes, as long as everyone understands you are boss. However, you will deliberately shake up things at home in a spot check to see who's really on your side. You need constant adoration from your spouse, demand blind obedience from your children, and will bust a skull now and then to assure it. You forget your angry outbursts as soon as they erupt, and can't understand why the relative you laid low an hour ago won't share the nice dinner you've just cooked.

In romance you have the approach of a dentist's drill. You can knock anybody's socks off, but after the deed, there's no glow. You are snoring before your partner stops breathing hard. You wake up in a few minutes, ready to rock and roll. By then your partner is sleepy. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get your jollies again.

Cleaning house means clearing away last month's pile of empty pizza boxes and potato chip bags. You are a junk-food junkie. Your favorite clothes are cheesy sweats to slug around in at home.

You are often underestimated because of your calm surface temperament, and you have hidden talents you seldom use. Taurus is the sign of the writer, artist, dictator, district attorney, and hanging judge.

That obtuse Taurean nature you're famous for is a ruse. You understand. You just don't care what others think and have no use for anyone who doesn't measure up to your personal value system. You won't be swayed from a course of action and your strength lies in the fact that you don't need anyone's approval but your own.

You are one of the zodiac's true homebodies. You are not flighty, or flirty, or empty-headed. You are capable, thrifty, and cagey. You understand instinctively your powerful nature and aren't afraid to use it to further yourself in life, but you need to learn that your glare and occasional snort is enough to make most people take a step back. Control your famous rampages, choose your battles carefully, and nothing can stop you.

Your philosophy is, "A penny saved is a penny earned." You couldn't care less about expounding on the mysteries of the Universe. Let everyone else whirl and gyrate, foam at the mouth and faint. You are too busy earning your first million.

lord give me strength

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lord give me strength

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