Born on a Rotten Day -- Virgo

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VIRGO: August 23 - September 22

Everlasting Know-It-Alls Need Love, Too

Notable Virgos at AoI: No NPCs listed

Element: Earth. Virgo Earth is a solid parcel of common soil that provides everything you need in a predictable manners as predictable as Bermuda grass. Mow it, water it, mow it, water it.

Quality: Mutable. Virgo moods swing from nitpicker, to crank, to critic.

Symbol: The Virgin. In your dreams and their minds.

Ruler: Mercury, the god of Telling It Like It Is, whether or not you really want to hear it.

Favorite Pastime: Worrying.

Favorite Book: 1001 Steps to Total Organization

Role Model Felix Unger

Dream Job: Closet organizer

Key Phrase:  It won't work that way.

Body Part: Nervous system. You can always spot a Virgo by their raw, bleeding fingernails.

Approach with Caution

Virgo, the sixth sign of the zodiac, lives in the House of Service and Health. Tactful astrology depicts Virgo as a modest, practical peach of a person who is superbly logical, discriminating, and meticulous. A more accurate description might reveal an anal, subjective, self- absorbed fussbudget who is critical, sanctimonious, and cheap

Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same breezy character that rules pesky Gemini. However, in Virgo, Mercury's mischievous, lighthearted nature is trapped in Earth, where it becomes critical and irritable. Virgos would like to be as unstructured as cousin Gemini, but their feet are stuck firmly in the ground. Virgins sweat the small stuff. These folks are compelled to heal the sick, save the sinful, and correct everyone else's spelling. They dispense unsolicited advice with all the authority of a second-grade teacher, with about as much insight.

Virgos are deliberate, not spontaneous. They are so busy trying to perfect everyone else that they have lost sight of their own flawed natures. Of all the signs, Virgo is the least likely to admit a mistake. Born with the nothing's-ever-good-enough gene has made them unable to relax and enjoy life's surprises. Bring your lunch, and dinner, if you dare to argue with one, because they will never admit they are wrong. Prove a Virgin wrong and he, or she, will say, â€Oh, I didn't realize that. Well that changes the whole perspective now, if you had only explained that to me at the beginning.

lord give me strength

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If You Love One: Virgo Man

He's faithful, thoughtful, and cool-headed during a crisis. A Virgo man will be home in time for dinner, help you balance the checkbook, and help raise the children. Whether he's as sexy as Sean Connery, or as silly as Peter Sellers, he will always be by your side. He's conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind, and loyal. Sounds like a real Boy Scout, dsn't it? Well, he is'the bargain basement version.

Life with a male Virgin is like being pushed into traffic when you don't want to cross the street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye for improving everything except his own conduct, he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a pit bull locked onto a mailman's leg, and just as unsympathetic

At his worst, he's a classic chauvinist, dismissing what he dsn't believe and believing only what's convenient to his point of view. His one talent for conversation is a nonstop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won't hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.

At his best, he has the kind of predictability that will give you sleeping sickness. He'll expect dinner promptly at six, where you will exchange news of the day's events. Then he'll spend an hour with the children, who will go to bed exactly at eight. Next comes an hour of telling you how to improve your housekeeping abilities. Finally, he'll retire to his home office where he'll spend the rest of the evening mumbling over the bills or developing a plan for your self-improvement.

His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a sensible statement.

Throughout his career, legendary Hollywood producer Virgo Samuel Goldwyn adamantly refused to compromise his search for the finest talent, directors, screenwriters, and technical crews. You can't argue with perfection, and The Goldwyn Touch set a standard of excellence that has been seldom, if ever, matched. Sam also had an unmatched Virgo talent for trying to act superior and coming off as a total goofball.

When his secretary asked for permission to destroy files over ten years old, Goldwyn said â€Yes, but keep copies. He's also credited with such gems as, â€Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success. If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking,” and â€True. I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer maybe.

Argue with yours, and he'll stare at you as if you've just lost your mind, for he can't believe you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word by word, the conversation, question, or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and will apologize just to shut him up.

You can take comfort in the knowledge that if you are determined to force his hand, you can send him to bed with a stomachache. The fact that he's pretending to be ill, and he knows you know it, makes no difference. A male Virgo will feign anything from a headache to a heart attack if he feels cornered. He's as loath to confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces, but where Pisces fears confrontation itself, Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed him. If he can't control you with his superiority, he'll try to by appearing helpless.

He may appear to be calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but on the inside he's pure Felix Unger. The effeminate, priggish, germ-phobic half of the Odd Couple is a classic example of the Virgo male. In his unyielding efforts to save slob Oscar from his boorish ways, Felix totally lost sight of his own obnoxious behavior. His deodorant-spraying, dust-rag-flapping, nonstop derision of Oscar's lifestyle, coupled with his melodramatic hypochondria, is totally Virgo.

If you want romance and love songs, choose any other sigh (except Capricorn), because you won't find it with this man. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he'll complain he can't see what he's eating. He'll talk a lot about sex and isn't above leering at the nearest pretty face. However, he's really not into promiscuity, even the legal kind, except on Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it's tax season, then revise that schedule to Saturday from 9 to 9:15. He's so methodical that you can put a cake in the oven that his buzzer will go off five minutes before the kitchen timer.

A Virgo man is nervous, nitpicky, and as selfish as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to lose control, and even then he will try to orchestrate the outcome. Like Mr. Spock, too much unbridled passion makes his brain melt.

lord give me strength

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If You Love One: Virgo Woman

The Virgo woman is kind, caring, and very real. Her exterior may be calm, but her feelings are delicate and she seeks a mate who is intelligent, considerate, and warm-hearted. She believes in true love and is discriminating enough to wait until she finds it. That's why there are so many Virgo old maids.

Queen Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen, reigned alone as England's monarch for forty-four years. The marriage of a queen regent was extremely complicated, and Elizabeth did not want to make an unpopular match. At least that's history's version. True to her perfectionist Virgo nature, Good Queen Bess marched suitors from around the world in and out of her court for twenty-five years, eliminating each one for various and sundry reasons. They either were the wrong religion, not intelligent, too poor, too political, not powerful, or too powerful. Elizabeth nitpicked her way to spinsterhood as only a female Virgo can.

If you manage to survive your Virgin's checklist of partnership virtues (and she has a long one), you will soon find that living with a Virgo female is like being enrolled for life in the School of Unattainable Perfection.

She's critical. A female Virgin will analyze and critique everything from your choice of cars to the way you slice the Thanksgiving turkey. She will count the number of peas you eat and lay a neat pile of vitamins beside your water glass. She will expect you to use the proper fork; a crumpled napkin tossed in the middle of your bread polished plate will send her into a nervous fit. She's a creature of habit. Tell this woman you will arrive at eight, and you had better be on time, or five minutes early. One minute late is inexcusable.

To her, a perfect weekend consists of nagging the family into cleaning the closets or replanting the garden while she criticizes every move, then later makes herself sick by redoing everything. Although she considers herself well organized and tidy, your home will always look as if pirates have just ransacked it. That's because she's too busy making her to-do list to do anything.

When angry, she is fussy and inflexible. The best thing to do is apologize, even if you have no idea what set her off. Otherwise you will suffer a garrulous scolding that will make you wish she'd just had your ass dragged over a bed of hot coals.

As a love object, think of her as a fortress to which you are about to lay siege. Launch your first attack with a show of brainpower and gift her with a couple of thought-provoking books. Next, spit-shine your shs, buy a new shirt and some crisp-smelling cologne. Clean is a holy word to a Virgo female and you'll knock a chink in her armor with a pristine appearance.

Finally, when you are knocking on the door of Virgin-Heaven, be patient. A Virgo woman is full of passion'once you get through the terrycloth robe, nightgown, socks, Vicks, and cold cream.

lord give me strength

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If You Are One, Born Rotten
You have one belief. Everyone in life is beneath you. There isn't an idea that you can't improve upon, or a person you can't whip into shape. You may pride yourself on being a discriminating perfectionist, but everyone else sees you as a royal pain in the ass. You are very intelligent, but can't make any practical use of your knowledge, so you end up spouting platitudes and pumping gas.

You have Forest for the Trees Syndrome. You are so bogged down in the excruciating minutiae of daily life that you let the world, and your dreams, pass by. But that's OK with you, since it gives you a reason to blame your faults on everyone but yourself.

Yours is the sign of the scribe, prosecuting attorney, mimic, despot, and anything with critic in the title. Virgos make excellent bureaucrats because they love to make people stand for ours in lines that go nowhere.

You spend you life moving your metaphorical piles of dirty laundry from one side of your psyche to the other without resolving anything. However, this is fine with you because it gives you something to do on Saturday night besides rearranging your medicine cabinet.

You are so concerned with your health that you rattle when you walk from all the pill bottles jiggling in your pocket or purse. Your home serves as a satellite pharmacy for the neighborhood and you delight in dispensing the latest holistic advice on every ailment from boils to constipation. You are the type of patient who hounds your doctor for double prescriptions, just to be prepared.

Your favorite game is Mountains out of Molehills, and you obsess over things that will never happen. You spend hours worrying whether or not you should use milk that's one day past its pull date and if your tires have enough air to get you to your next dentist appointment. You are the only sign in the zodiac that looks forward to a tooth cleaning. You have more systems for coping with life than the IRS has for tracking down tax dodgers.

In love, you are as romantic as a top sergeant drilling the troops. You expect your lover to adhere to your timetable and preferences and balk at any variation. After you invariably get dumped, you cry for about five minutes, then decide that he, or she, wasn't good enough for you anyway and grab the nearest good book to soothe yourself. When you do get the urge to merge, you usually make the wrong choice, because you've been so picky in the past that you suddenly find yourself on the downside of sexy and grab the first person you can clutch in your impeccably manicured little hands.

You also have exceptional self-discipline and your will is so strong that you can easily make all your dreams come true. You are often misjudged because of your perfectionist attitude. Truth is you never expect more of others than that which you are willing to give you are sympathetic and generous and have a genuine desire to help people do their best. But you need to cultivate more patience and less assumption that your opinion is always either correct or sought. Instead of scattering your energy trying to control the world, learn to listen first, then take aim with a few well-chosen barbs, and there isn't a sign in the Universe you can't outwit.

Your philosophy is A time and place for everything. You believe in moral principle and old-fashioned family values. Let everyone else run through life in a slapdash, offhanded sort of way. You are too busy making that impossible dream come true, one organized step at a time.

lord give me strength

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